Oh my god. I am so not looking forward to the next two weeks. So much work. I know sometimes my blog turns into a complaint session on how much work I have, but it is really true. The teachers decided to go easy on us this week, because of MLK Day and Obama’s inauguration (:D) and the performance of To Kill a Mockingbird today disrupting our schedules immensely. Next week, however, is going to be crazy hard. So many tests, assignments, regional science fair, Mu Alpha Theta try-outs and competition, not to mention the goddamn [America]* IA (Internal Assessment). I am just so sick of it all.
I wish the director could call for a rewrite of this scene, and that the screenwriter could insert a montage instead. It would show me working on my science fair board, typing away on the computer, filling out a Scantron, using a graphing calculator, reading textbooks, etc.
I feel that way a lot. I think to myself, “This would be a perfect moment for them to cut to *later event*.”
I wish my life were a movie. That would mean at least one thing: my life has a story worth telling. Whether it be comedy or tragedy (or a little of both), it would show that my life is important enough for people to care about. To have a movie would mean that my life has a plot, a theme; a moral, even. It would also mean that, as I said above, the director could change what he (or she) did not like. That someone other than me would be responsible for what happens in my life.
Unfortunately, such a director does not exist. There is no one out there who controls what I do, who decides that so-and-so will happen so that my story can convey dramatic irony or symbolism or satire. There is no one out there who decides that after doing something bad, I must be punished or disadvantaged in some way so that I can mend my ways, resolve the conflicts, and end the story. Maybe you see what I am getting at here.
As much as I wish my life were a movie, because it would mean that my life has some intrinsic worth, meaning, value; it is not a movie. As much as I wish there were a god, because it would mean that my life has some intrinsic worth, meaning, value**; there is no god. So how is this conflict resolved?
I make my own worth. I define my own life. I decide my own meaning and my own goals. I will do what I love because I love it. I will not make life decisions based on what the director desires or what god “desires”. I will not limit myself by archaic, arbitrary laws. I will only limit myself to doing no harm and maybe even only to making the world a better place (as subjective as that is).
And, while a montage would be nice, I think I would rather see the full thing through (not that I have a choice in the matter).
*I have this odd compulsion to say “America” every time I say “goddamn”. It comes, of course, from Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s example. ;)
**That is debatable, but I was going for verbal parallelism. I do not know that living a life simply to get to the bigger and better afterlife is more meaningful than living a life doing something you love.