I turned sixteen today! Yay! :D
Today, as I was stepping outside to check the mail, the brilliancy of the day surprised me. This past week was very rainy (which is not something with which I have a problem), but it was nice to have a change. In fact, it was almost shocking to walk outside and see the brightness, the colors, the crispness. This time of year, it is not at all hot; it is quite pleasant, in fact.
Oddly enough, all these pleasant and cheering sights and sounds triggered a very different thought in my mind. For some reason, I wondered to myself, what if I died?
What if I died, just this minute? Was I ready to die? Had I done all I meant to do? These thoughts flew threw my mind in one clump, as thoughts are liable to do. The answer appeared almost as instantaneously as the question. Of course not! The beauty I was seeing at that moment only emphasized this conclusion. How could I feel ready to leave this world one second earlier than I had to?
The answer seems so obvious, but my mental state was not, let us say, at its prime. Last night, I stayed up very, very late working on my IA for pre-calculus. I have been having these weird, random thoughts all day, and this is just one more example of that. Apparently, when you are dreaming, your thoughts become very disconnected and your brain just makes up stuff as it goes along. I felt that way a lot today–things did not follow logically; I was a very confused person.
Confused people have fascinating thoughts, this I know. If I were in a partially cognizant mode (as I was today) much more often, perhaps I would have more fascinating thoughts. I want fascinating thoughts. I want my brain to think in new ways, even if it means I’m imcomprehensible to myself some of the time.